Paul Michael Moss

net steps forward

2012-02-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

Today's lesson:

It's important to remember that some days feel good, and some days feel not so good - and that's okay. Maybe it's even a little healthy. I had a friend that would always say, "A few steps forward and a few steps back, but net steps forward."

I think that's a good way to look at life.

Meekness = 0 Points

2011-07-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

In my last four years as a young single adult at school, I have learned a few rules concerning self-perception and betterment. Most know them, but a select few do not. In as condescending of a tone as possible, let me enlighten you:

Every attribute, quality, and characteristic has a point value, and I have more points than anyone else. My roommate has nice eyes, but that's ok, because I have a high GPA, which is worth way more points. And my friend from work can type fast, but who cares, because everyone knows that typing is only a few points, while exercising consistently on the other hand, is worth lots (and I doubt she does that). Blogging, not very many points; public speaking, tons; basketball, also tons; badminton, not so much. Book smarts are worth a decent amount of points, so anyone with those is in good shape, but people with street smarts, those are the ones that score big. But scoring big in one area, means you are low in a lot of other areas, because everyone has roughly the same amount of points. Except me of course, I have the most. I'm sure to remind myself of that every time I learn that someone else has points.

Do you follow? Here, let me make it easy. If you can just remember this one phrase, you'll be fine:

"I am good to the extent that someone else is worse."

---

Sound a bit ridiculous?

It is. But I think we think like this sometimes - at least in small doses.

I took the GMAT a couple months ago, and I really struggled with my score. I was practice testing really well, and I felt confident as I went in, but coming out was a bit different. Seeing the score on the screen hurt; it hurt bad. And I'll even let you, my faithful, and probably related (hi mom), reader in on a little secret: I took it twice. That's right, twice. And yes, I was very unsatisfied both times. How demoralizing to feel that you're smart, that you have great potential, that you run with the best - but then to be told otherwise.

Twice.

I mused on the situation for a while. I thought about my future. Then I thought about the futures of my peers. I felt myself falling into this trap: I am only good to the extent that I do better than someone else. I can only feel good about myself if I do better than those thousands of others that unknowingly put me in my place.

It's been a trial for me, and an unanticipated one at that. But as I come out the other side, let me tell you what I've learned: My happiness is not contingent upon a stupid two digit number with a funky percent sign next to it. It just isn't. The 19% of GMAT takers ahead of me do not determine my happiness, confidence, self-worth or value in life. And I don't determine theirs.

And man, it feels good to believe that.

As I think about my favorite people, I'm realizing how they've already got this down. They don't have "contingent happiness", they have "contagious confidence". And ironically, I think it's their meekness that makes them confident.

Hm.

Well what ever happened to meekness? When did that go out of style? Someone tell me when meekness was meekened? Hm. I guess that's how it has to be though. Meekness can't be the more favorable option, its very definition does not allow it.

I think I'll just stop here abruptly and leave you with a quote from Elder Maxwell that is, at best, only mildly related to my musings:

"If the meek are to inherit the earth, they're going to have to be a bit more aggressive about it."

**Note to readers: I know this post is bone-dry of quality writing. Sorry. But now that I've got the content down, I will work on making it sound good. Unfortunately, that doesn't come naturally. Cheers.

Tethered Adjurations

2011-04-17T13:19:00.001-07:00

I did it. I typed my prayer (see previous post). After finishing what I usually do before bed - brushed my teeth, took out my contacts, and read my scriptures - I went into the other room to pray. I opened my computer, found a good place on the hard drive to store my supplications, and began typing.

"I'm grateful for this day."

was my first line. And I was; it had been a nice day. We had stake conference and I thought the speakers did a great job. I kept going with a few things I was thankful for, but then detected a pattern that I didn't like. I found myself typing "I'm grateful for _______" over and over. It felt insincere. It had meaning, but no feeling. No emotion. Just how I might feel while writing an essay with lines all the same length and structure that doesn't change, I felt like I was just fulfilling a requirement. It was like I had to tally up grateful points, that way I could spend them on blessings later in the prayer. I was waiting to reach the appropriate number of gratitude expressions, that way I knew how many blessings I could afford to use that day.

So I changed things up a bit. I began talking with God instead.

"I had trouble staying awake during priesthood. The second session was great though, and I felt like I was in the right place."

I went on...

"I talked with ______ yesterday. Her family really has it rough right now. She is a great person and I hope the conversation I had with her helped. "

For a few minutes I went on like this, sprinkling in my gratitude as I felt compelled to express it, and asking for what I felt I needed. It felt sincere. I pondered on the righteous desires of my heart, then asked for them. I wasn't ordering what I needed, I was praying. I was actually praying wasn't I? I was still talking with God right? It's just this time I decided to type what I was saying.

And here's what I learned: Doing so helped me to slow down, and it structured my thoughts in a way that demanded I stay focused. I couldn't just think my prayer, I had to put it into words. I had to type it. I was driven by the desire to express myself through thought and feeling, but I felt bound by my inability to do so perfectly.

Like a kite.

My thoughts wanted to fly away; they weren't completely satisfied with the words I was forcing them into. They disliked the strings that held them back. But keeping them at bay helped me to identify them. I felt focused, like I knew what I was saying, exactly what I was saying.

And so it is with writing. With speaking. With acting. With drawing.

Heaven, please check your inbox.

2011-03-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure nobody reads this blog, and that's totally fine with me.

This is not facebook.

I don't post things here for attention, or to elicit responses. I post things here because it's therapeutic. Cathartic almost. Because I think writing is good for anyone. Everyone needs the lasting stimulus that comes from forming ideas into thoughts that are bound by grammatical principles. Otherwise it's just thinking. Or talking - both things that I already do way too much.

Not that there isn't merit to thinking. There is. Uninhibited thinking is good for the mind I believe, but I don't have the brain power to keep my thoughts from going awry without confining them to coherent sentences. I don't mind the content of my thoughts running rampant, but when my thoughts stop making sense altogether, then it becomes a problem.

I had an idea the other day... Would it be inappropriate to type my prayers? You know, like on a computer?

(go ahead and start laughing)

...

...

(OK stop laughing)

But seriously... how great would that be? I would like to talk a bit slower when I pray. And furthermore, it would be nice to keep myself at least somewhat on track. It might help me feel more like I am participating in a dialogue with God.

That's like writing God a letter. Is that blasphemous? Or I guess it's more like writing Him an email.

Hm. This is getting weird.

More on this later. Unless I'm struck by lightning before my next post.

The last of human freedoms

2009-10-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

Within my own locus of control lies the tools and abilities I need to be happy, and to succeed. I am given the same 24 hours each day as the guy next to me; I can control my actions within that period as well as my attitude and emotional reactions to anything that occurs within that period. In other words, my actions and reactions are completely and absolutely controllable. However, beyond my own abilities and capacities lies an unorganized mess of financial mishaps, social encumbrances, and academic vicissitudes.

The trick I think, is to keep the controlled separate from the uncontrolled.

I can't control whats been done, but I can control a good deal of what is going to happen. If my wallet is stolen, I am not by some arbitrary magical law of equality given the right to cheat in school so that my "life unfairness scale" remains harmonious. Perhaps whats even more wonderful, I have the choice not to cheat, and overcome the inclination to get even with the world.

When my cell phone falls on my laptop screen, my computer may crack but my soul doesn't have to. I can control that, I can still be happy. William James, the great American Psychologist observed, "The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be." In other words, when we cry we become sad, or when we fight we become angry; not the other way around.

Unfortunately, this type of control is impossible and impractical in all situations. When a loved one dies, I cry. If I fail a test, I'm upset. I have no control over the situation, yet my emotions are affected completely.

So with that mindset, the question is this: Where then, should I place my priorities? Should I spend my life trying to control the uncontrollable? Or developing the controllable? I choose the latter.

As a college student I spend the majority of my time developing the controllable. I can control how hard I study, how much effort I put into my classes, to what extent I invest in social endeavors, and what types of people I associate with. What a great thing.

I get uneasy when I cannot control aspects of my life, and when the controllable parts of my time are reduced. So in order to combat this, I've been trying to ignore what I can't control, and focus on what I can control. It has made a huge difference, and its been good to be in control of how I feel.

I didn't mean this post to sound as philosophical as it did, and I have no doubt that there are un-patched holes in my argument. It has been good though, to put some of my thoughts down on "paper." I guess that is what a blog is for right?

I'll end with this quote by Viktor Frankl:

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Jumping on the BRAND-Wagon

2008-09-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have heard many times that if a certain noun can gain enough popularity, it will eventually give birth to its own verb. As a prolific example, "Google" has become much more then a catchy name for a simple search engine. "Just Google it" you hear people say. "Someone Google that," we demand.

Among these increasingly-popular and consistently internet related noun-born verbs, perhaps "blogging" stands paramount. It has become a popular way to create buzz, brand products, share ideas, and receive feedback by corporations all across the country. Even individual employees use blogs in the corporate environment. From the filing clerk to the guys with the words "chief" and "officer" in their titles, everyone is blogging these days.

For years now I've been sitting on the sidelines watching friends, celebrities, co-workers, and family members religiously unload the week's events and happenings onto the screens of their laptops. Like their own PR firms you can see them typing about anything from the neighborhood grocery store and their excellent service to their micromanaging self-righteous supervisor at the office. But just like that song that you hear too much on the radio, I decided to steer clear of the much too trendy "blogging scene" for a long time. "I just don't have time for it" I said to myself. In my rebellion, I even silently criticized the bloggers and searched constantly for reasons to support my stubbornness.

Thankfully however, the fog has cleared and I have set sail. And I find myself being tossed clumsily upon an abundance of blogging advantages. There are many reasons to blog and certainly they vary for each blogger. I am certainly not a corporate executive, or a politician in search of public support and approbation; but I am ME, Paul Moss, A 22-year old college student. So here I go, I'm off to sell brand "ME" to the world. Wish me luck.